Addiction can exert a deadly pull on HIVers. Here's how five Los Angelenos began their climb toward recovery.

HIV and addiction are the ultimate codependents. Indeed, HIVers from wildly different walks of life often share a history of addiction, if nothing else. Research shows that an increasing number of HIVers resort to illicit drugs and, most often, alcohol to defer the virus' physical and psychic toll. But indulgence merely depresses the immune system further, goading HIV by encouraging spotty med adherence and, therefore, viral resistance. (Even marijuana, supposedly an HIVer's best bud, ain't innocent.) And compulsive sex, meanwhile, can be just as nasty. But how much is too much? When does the party end and the pain begin? When do drugs, booze and booty stop easing the stress of living with disease and start aggravating it - perhaps becoming disorders unto themselves? Should you cut down or go cold turkey? Do it alone or with help? Must you dance the 12-step, swear off everything, always and forever, and find God? There is no one answer. Just ask the five HIVers you'll meet here - a former boozer, crackhead, dope fiend, speed freak and sex addict - fallen and redeemed in the City of Angels. Each took a different path to their do-or-die juncture and each found a different way on the road back to life. Even if you think you don't need help, their stories can help you help someone who does. Because addiction, like HIV, can be a chronic, manageable illness rather than a death sentence. Here, a users' manual. (For recovery, harm reduction and treatment resources, see Recovery Rooms .)

Last Call

John Smith, 60, Retired shipping-company rep
DIAGNOSED WITH HIV: 1985
ADDICTION: Alcohol
SOBER SINCE: 1987

I came to America at 21 from England. I began drinking at 16, but I wasn't an alcoholic until my late 20s. At 35, after a breakup, drinking became a daily habit. For gay men like me, partying in the disco era was all in a day's work. Sexually, there were no rules. Everything could be cured with a shot of penicillin.

I was an alcoholic but far too proper to let anyone see me drunk. My drinking was tied to sex and I kept it separate from the rest of my life. I'd fall apart when I was alone, crawl across the floor crying.

Then one morning, I woke up at 6, and the next thing I knew, it was 5 p.m. and I was still sitting there, staring at the wall. I realized, Oh, boy, I need help. I went to AA. At first I didn't want to be there, but the people put me at ease.

Sobriety has helped me see my life is a lot better without drinking. I've learned I can have intimate relationships with men that aren't sexual. It's even helped me deal with HIV. In 1996, I got very sick, down to 140 pounds. I was put on Marinol, which made me eat, but I hated being stoned. Protease inhibitors came along, and I was saved. AA's 12 steps help me stick to my meds.

For 15 years I was nonsexual. But a few months ago at an AA meeting, I met somebody. He's also positive - and 20 years younger than me! Now I'm in the crazy throes of love - and having sex in a way I never thought I would. I wish I could give you a logical reason for how well I'm doing, but I can't. My search is for the God within me.

Church Lady

Charlon Davis, 54, treatment center operational manager
DIAGNOSED WITH HIV: 1986
ADDICTIONS: Heroin, crack cocaine
SOBER SINCE: 1987

I chose the road I traveled. I started dropping pills at 15, shooting dope at 21, and kept at it for some 20 years. The first 10 were good. I got married, had two kids and made about $3,500 a day forging prescriptions.

Then I found crack. I went from living in a two-story home and driving a Rolls to living in alleys and shooting galleries, walking barefoot. Finally, I realized I was an addict and thought I was going to die. Then someone told me about a treatment center, and I went. I thought it would be like a Hollywood rehab and I'd learn to play tennis. Instead, they taught me to deal with my feelings.

In treatment I learned I had HIV. "Do I have five days, five months or five years?" I asked the doctor. He said he didn't know. I left the center without completing the program and went on a two-month death mission, hanging around people I thought were beneath me, doing degrading things. I didn't tell anyone I had HIV when we had sex. I felt so nasty, ashamed, worthless and hopeless because of my HIV. I felt as if I were walking death.

I was lucky, though. People who loved me more than I could love myself told me I needed to go back to treatment. This time, I learned to accept who I was, virus and all. I used to think: I will never remarry, have a loving husband who is not afraid of me, see my children grow up.

But God has blessed me with all those things. Every Sunday, I put on a hat, dress and heels, and thank Him for that in church. I have a loving family, work I love, and friends who don't sugarcoat my bullshit. I have hepatitis C, diabetes, am in menopause and I go to the doctor every 90 days. I've stopped smoking and started walking. Most of all, I've learned to take life one day at a time.

Meth Wish

Antonio Martinez, 22, student
DIAGNOSED WITH HIV: 2001
ADDICTION: Crystal Meth
SOBER SINCE: May 2003

Both my parents were heroin addicts. They tried to hide it, but I started finding needles around the house when I was 5. My dad died of pneumonia recently, because of his use. My mom stopped heroin and started using cocaine.

I've been on my own since I was 15. I moved to LA after high school to study at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. I lived in an apartment complex where everyone was on crystal meth. Every chance I got, I did it.

My boyfriend and I supported ourselves by escorting. I was ashamed and didn't enjoy it, so I'd use drugs to numb out and feel euphoric. If guys said we didn't have to use condoms, we wouldn't. So there are a lot of guys from whom I could have gotten HIV.

Then the crystal stopped working and it was nothing but paranoia and chaos. I realized drugs had killed my dad, they were killing my mom and they were killing me. They were turning me into a person I hated. So I joined a 12-step program and started going to meetings. Today [October 14] I have 163 days clean from everything. My life is slowly turning into something. I have hopes and dreams again. And most important to me is that I've been an example to my mom, who is starting to get it. Today, she has 73 days of sobriety.

I'm proud of my story because I survived it.

Girls Cry

Kim Hall, 48, mental health technician
DIAGNOSED WITH HIV: I've been positive for 23 years
ADDICTION: Crack Cocaine
SOBER SINCE: 1998

I'm from New York City and I've always identified as transgender. My father was homophobic and couldn't accept me, so I ran away when I was 10 and became a prostitute. He was prone to violent rage, and I grew up to inherit that.

At 14, I was arrested and sent back home. My parents had split up and my mother was working three jobs to support us. I prostituted myself at school, then I'd dress up and sneak out to bars at night. My lesbian cousin and her girlfriend lived with us and got me into heroin.

I hung out in shooting galleries where they'd rent you a syringe, wash it out and rent it to the next person. Then everyone I did drugs with was getting sick and dying. Around that time, I went to prison for 10 years for killing my boyfriend. That's where I tested positive for HIV.

After prison, I moved to LA and began shooting crack. I did things I never thought I'd do, got in cars with men who thought I was a [non-trans] woman, went to hotels with four men at a time. I wanted to quit but couldn't. Eventually I stopped shooting crack and cut down to just smoking it.

When I finally got busted, I knew God was rescuing me. I pulled my life together in prison. When I got out I was scared my old behavior would get me loaded, so I asked for treatment. I ended up at a Hollywood center and learned how to stay sober.

Now I help other people recover. I go to school. I'm in a relationship. And I want to make the road easier for girls like me.

Man Mania

Chris Perry, 36, health educator
DIAGNOSED WITH HIV: 1997
ADDICTION: Sex
IN RECOVERY SINCE: 1999

I started acting out sexually after I was molested at 14. A 19-year-old neighbor gave me gifts and manipulated me till he got what he wanted. I kept it a deep, dark secret. This set up a pattern.

I started sneaking out at night, roaming the streets for sex. At 15, another guy in my neighborhood would get me and my friends drunk and stoned and we'd let him suck our dicks. I graduated to adult bookstores. By 17, I was driving to Santa Monica Boulevard to meet boys. I ended up prostituting.

I used sex as a drug, and used drugs to have more sex. I was always on the hunt, thinking that being with another guy could fill the void I felt inside. It didn't.

AOL took my addiction to a whole new level. It let me be any person, say whatever I wanted. As soon as I did one guy, I'd be on to the next. But I still had that emptiness. Eventually I felt so ugly about myself I had to do something. I ended up dealing with my problem in therapy. I've made tremendous progress. The fire of my addiction is gone, and though I still act out now and then, when I do, I'm aware that I'm "in" my addiction.

My HIV weighed heavily into my decision to get help. I realized if I was going to do something with my life, I'd have to do it now. There are no more tomorrows - there's only today.